I am so glad I finished her before chemo tomorrow, because I know I won't want to work on her this weekend.



My first art of 2010 - whoo! ^_^ Something a little different, considering I usually do high fantasy. I really love how she turned out!

Wow, it's been a while since I've posted. I'm afraid that after each chemo, I can't even bear to think about the experience; it makes me extremely nauseated. It's especially bad the week following treatment, but it lingers even into my "good week", so I've not felt up to blogging about it lately.

Still, I've had some gentle pushes and inquiries into how I'm doing from my wonderful friends, so I'm putting on my big girl panties and making an entry! *grin*

On December 29th I had my mid-point PET scan to see how I was responding to chemo and the results were positive. All the active nodes in my chest was gone and the neck area had quieted down quite a bit also. It wasn't totally clean, but was definitely a very positive step forward. I'm on track for two more treatments and then I'll have another PET scan around the third week in February. If that's clean, I may be done, but I may also be advised to continue for a few more treatments "just to make sure". We'll see. I'd really like this whole thing to be over and done with by my birthday! (3/30)

As for my response to the treatments themselves, the after effects are pretty much the same, every time. No accumulated effects so far. I just am very fatigued and borderline nauseous and apathetic for about a week and then I start to feel better. The treatment day itself is the worst day, as I've really gotten a nausea trigger. I always throw up at chemo now, regardless of what type of anti-nausea medication I take beforehand. Now I have them give me IV Ativan to knock me out during the pushes and drips...it helps.

*takes a deep breath to settle nausea* See? Even typing about this is making me sick. :(

On to other things!

I did get sick a couple of weeks ago. I guess during winter with very few white blood cells I wasn't going to get through unscathed. The cold wasn't too bad though, and despite my fears, acted as it always does and did not develop into anything severe. Still no fun, but I'm pretty much over it now. Certainly didn't stop my doctor from proceeding with my treatment on the 15th.

I finally did get to see Avatar and really enjoyed it. What a world! I also saw Sherlock Holmes and thought that was a total blast - I love Robert Downy, Jr.! ^_^

I am working on some art (which you can see a sneak of in my avi)...a kind of cyber medusa. I hope to have her finished this weekend. After that I do have a Valentine's Day piece sketched out. We'll see if I feel like working on her.

Hope everyone is doing well...sorry I haven't been as active about posting as I'd like to be. I'll get better, I promise! :)

Tris is one year old today! Happy b'day, little guy! *HUGS & CUDDLES*

Well, what can I say about 2009? *wry grin* Last year I wrote out a month-by-month retrospective of the year's highlights, but I can't really do that here...there are only a small handful of noteworthy things that happened.

The first major event was the passing of my dear pup and treasured companion of thirteen years - Lance. He dislocated his hip in the middle of March, which led to other health issues and I finally had to have him put to sleep on 3/27...three days before my birthday. It was a very melancholy start to Spring.

Things looked up in April and May, though. I was able to buy another Cavalier puppy from the same breeder of Lance and the adorable bundle of joy arrived at my home on May 1st, after a wonderful week's vacation in the Bay Area. Tristan is a smart, beautiful, loving boy and I am so grateful to be able to share my life with another dear Cavalier. :)

The summer was pretty quiet and I spent a lot of time with my new puppy. He went to puppy class and graduated in the end of July. This is about the time I noticed a couple of new lumps in my neck that joined one I had had since May and I went to the doctor on August 7th. Thus began my medical journey which included numerous tests, a surgery biopsy, a diagnosis of Hodgkin's Lymphoma and the joys of chemotherapy. >.< So needless to say, the second half of this year has been less than fun. Right now I have completed four chemo treatments (they are every two weeks) and today I have my PET scan to see how I'm responding to the chemo. I am hoping for a clean or vastly improved scan because then I'll only have four more treatments and I'll be done by the middle of February.

On the art front I finished seven paintings...I think that's two less than last year. Dang it! I really need to step that up and get some serious art going in 2010!

On the indulgence front, I wasn't able to get as many cool toys as I did last year, but I did splurge on a couple of things. I got a food dehydrator, a Sony eReader, and this month for Christmas I got myself an iPhone. Oh, I also got a gaming laptop in July...almost forgot! Unfortunately I took the laptop to chemo to play Dragon Age: Origins during treatment and now I can't stand the sight of it...it triggers serious nausea. Ugg. Hopefully that'll wear off! Definitely don't bring anything with you to chemo treatments that you want to still like afterwards! *wry grin*

So I look back at 2008, which I considered a lousy year, and I almost laugh...how self-indulgent I was with my depression! So a guy dumped me...so what? I had family, friends, a good job, a wonderful home and my health. I didn't know how good I had it! And even now, I am very grateful...I still have all those things except my health, and that I will regain. But I will never look at my life in the same way again. Once I am through this immediate crisis, I think that the taste of life will be so much sweeter for having gone through it and I will be much more willing to share myself with others instead of being almost a recluse.

2010 - you and I are going to have a phenomenal time together! *grin* And may all of you have an incredible year as well!

Well, for some reason I got a bee in my bonnet about crocheting a hat. Mind you, I've only crocheted twice in my life - once as a teenager I made a blanket and once about 10 years ago I made a scarf. In spite of the fact both of these were easy projects, neither of them turned out. I kept missing stitches or forgetting the turning chains so they ended up not even being rectangular. >.< Despite my failures, however I wanted to make a hat!

So yesterday I went to our local yarn shop and got a couple of skeins and a crochet hook. I reviewed my mom's old crochet how-to books to relearn the stitches, looked at the hat patterns and was immediately lost. I understood the stitches themselves and the abbreviations, but not the transitions. I decided, "to hell with it" and just went for it.

My first attempt turned out to be wearable only by conehead pygmies. *sigh* It wasn't a total loss, however...I tried it on Fern and while it's a little big for her, she can actually wear it and look delightfully bohemian doing so. :)



Today I tried again, making sure the circle didn't tighten and turn down until it was at least 8" in diameter and lo and behold - it turned out!



I am still in shock that it not only turned out but fits perfectly and is really cute! *grin* Tomorrow I'm going back to the yarn shop to get another couple of skeins of the same yarn to crochet a matching scarf.

Who knew I'd be able to crochet something I can actually wear?? Go me! lol ^_^

Ok, I'm just awesome. LOL Poor "Mardi Gras Masquerade" has languished for months undone and I finally finished her this afternoon. Whoo!



I loved being able to work with purple and green together and had a lot of fun with the mask and beads. :) I'm not super happy with her hair (which is why I didn't finish her for so long...I didn't want to work on it anymore), but I gotta move on. Reference from VirnaLamour-stock at DeviantArt.

Now what other undone painting will I tackle next? *grin*

I actually managed to finish a holiday painting in time - whoo! :D

So if you would like to exchange cards, please post your address. I have a lot of you on my list already from previous years, but it'd be best to make sure everything's current. All comments are screened.

Thanks!

ZOMG - moar art! lol

Well, I wasn't sure if I would get a holiday piece done this year, but my mom poked me this weekend and I knew I had to do something. I was inspired by a lovely stock photo from Eirian-stock at DeviantArt and found a great background photo from midnightstouchstock.



This is a mixed digital media piece, with the background and poinsettia a photo manipulation and the angel painted.

I've made a separate entry with screened comments for signing up for a Christmas card exchange here.

Happy holidays, everyone! :)

Ugg. Sometimes I don't know how I'll actually manage to do this damn chemo thing six more times! I feel like crap for four to five days afterwards. It's not just physical side effects (they weren't as bad this time) but the chemically induced depression as well.

Thank goodness I felt almost normal yesterday for Thanksgiving!

My hair has started to fall out, though...>_< I'm shedding worse than a yak in high summer! Every time I run my fingers through my hair, great gobs come out. It's as annoying as hell and I will definitely have to get it shaved this weekend. I'm so glad I have my wig and a collection of cute hats!

I had a very low white blood cell count last Friday before chemo, so I'm staying away from crowds for now. That means no movies or holiday shopping, I'm afraid. It'll be a quiet Thanksgiving weekend visiting with family. :)

ZOMG - art!!! ^_^

As I mentioned yesterday, I've been feeling pretty good and began painting again in earnest. I started this piece a couple of weeks ago - she originally was going to be sort of a redo of my old 2005 painting "Hypnotic", which had the emerald tree boa. It was never a popular painting, but I loved it and wanted to see if I could make that concept more interesting. It would also be a jungle piece, so I could have submitted it to EMG-Zine for December's theme; jungles.

Alas, 'twas not to be. (Sorry Ellen, I tried!) About halfway through this serpent became a dragon and she will be part of a series of draconian spirits with gems. But you'll notice that even though she's no longer a direct redo of "Hypnotic", I recreated the emerald ornament from that painting. :)



I am really proud of this piece...every single scale on her face and ornament is done individually and I used no "stamp"-type Photoshop brushes; everything is hand-painted. The model reference is DyingBeautyStock, the background texture is from Shrela, and the pattern on the dress and wing ribs is courtesy of a brush from Dianae, all from DeviantArt.

Well, I am so relieved to be feeling so much better than last week! I actually feel pretty normal. I'm just hungry all the time! lol I can't believe how much I'm scarfing down, but hey, if my body wants food, it'll get it!

I'm actually painting again, too - whoo! My latest painting (see sneak avi ;p) is about 75% done and I can't wait to finish her! I'm doing a lot more detailing than I normally do, so I'm going to be pretty proud when she's done. :)

Today my IT department set up my personal laptop so I can connect to my work desktop while I'm at home. It will be such a relief to know I can work from home if I have to, and still have all the same access to programs and files as if I were in the office. I may even work from home after chemo on Friday - we'll see.

I bought the blu-ray of Star Trek yesterday (and got free pizza at Fred Meyer with the purchase - cool!). I'll be watching that tonight. *squee* I love that movie!

So all in all, things are going really well and I'm in a surprising awesome mood. That'll change on Friday, of course, but I'm enjoying it while it lasts! ^_^

It has been one week since my first chemo session and I haven’t even been able to write about the experience until now. For days, even just thinking about the chemo made me instantly want to vomit. Not just the chemo itself, either – I now have several triggers that make me ill to think about. I'm glad I wasn't watching any medical dramas on TV, because I sure can't now!

Friday itself was actually fine. The process lasted about 3 hours and I had no adverse reactions. I went home just feeling a little tired but thought, “hey, this isn’t so bad...”.

Saturday I didn’t feel too bad, either. I was still able to eat and sleep. I felt tired and a little “off”, but not too nauseous. I didn’t take any of my nausea medication.

Sunday is when it really started to hit me. I felt constantly on the edge of nausea and actually threw up dinner. I was also tired and apathetic. Nothing made me happy – I took pleasure in nothing, not even the beautiful little face of my puppy or my warm, cozy bathrobe and a good book. As for food – forget it. Between the nausea and painful mouth sores, food and drink became an ordeal. My entire mouth and throat burned like I had drunk scalding hot water. I couldn’t eat anything even remotely acidic. No oranges, lemon juice, pineapple, not even apples. Everything had to be super-bland; yogurt, cream of rice, protein shakes...I had a lot of dairy, which isn’t really healthy for you, but damn it, I had to eat something!

Monday was better than Sunday, but not by much. My mouth still was very painful and I was starting to get aches and pains in my back. Tuesday was better – I didn’t feel like I was going to throw up any minute, but I still didn’t take any pleasure in food. Wednesday was better nausea-wise, but still painful mouth sores and back aches. Thursday was the first day I started to feel even semi-normal. I actually felt hungry for the first time in nearly a week and went to McDonalds. lol Having food be a pleasure again was the most amazing feeling!

Today I feel fairly good. I’m just a little tired and I still have aches and pains. However, the mouth sores seem to be pretty much gone and the nausea is gone, so that’s a huge improvement! Hopefully I will continue to feel better as I go into next week. Then, of course, I have my next chemo next Friday. Ugg. I can’t believe I have, best-case scenario, 4 months of this! I knew chemo would be hard, but there’s a difference between knowing and experiencing. I now understand what chemical depression feels like and I dread feeling that again. And things will only get worse, as the chemo effects are cumulative.

The one big positive in this is tangible evidence the chemo is working. The large swollen node under my jaw has shrunk to half its size, even with just the one treatment. Every time I feel overwhelmed I just touch that spot and remind myself why I’m doing it.

And some good news yesterday on the financial front – we just got a memo from Corporate about the forced two weeks off at Christmas - they are going to pay for the 21st, 22nd and 23rd, in addition to the holiday pay of the 24th, 25th, 31st and 1st. That means that instead of having to lose six days of pay, I am now only losing three. Whoo hoo!

Thank you so much, everyone, for all your support, well wishes and healing vibes! *HUGS* This is a challenging journey, but I am not alone. :)

Taken this morning from the parking lot at work

So the day dawns on my first in-the-trenches battle.

I'm pretty darn nervous because they can tell you exactly what's going to happen, but you still don't know. You don't know what your experience is going to be like. Will I have any adverse reactions to any of the drugs? Will my port work properly? How bad are the sensations during the pushes? Will my veins burn? Will I have hot flashes, heart palpitations, cramping, nausea, a horrible taste in my mouth? Ahhhhhh! >.<

Okay, I'm trying to stay positive and upbeat, but I have been doing that pretty well through this process so far and I think I'm entitled to a little fear and trepidation right now! This is it. This is THE battle. Everything that has come before has just been in preparation for this war. My cancer will live or die based on what happens today and the subsequent chemo sessions.

I have done everything I can to get ready. I have all the stuff the doctors recommended I get, I have my prescriptions, I have my food, I have my books, I have my laptop ready with a brand new bitchin' RPG game (Dragon Age: Origins) and I have "Project Runway" that I recorded last night on DVD. (Thank goodness I can bring my laptop to chemo!)

I came in early to work this morning so I can at least get half a day in before I go. We get 60 hours a year for personal time off and those hours have been slipping through my fingers like water. I now have about 11 hours left. That, plus vacation time, would do me through the end of the year IF my employer hadn't once again decided to make us take two weeks off (unpaid) at Christmas. *sigh* Oh well. I'll worry about finances when there's something to worry about. I'm okay right now. Right now I gotta concentrate on winning this battle!

Today I had my chemo education class at the cancer center. The nurse went over all the basics, as well as specifics regarding my actual chemo cocktail (ABVD). There's a lot of stuff you have to keep in mind and some things you can't do. I had to cancel my dental cleaning in December and I can't floss any more because they don't want your mouth to bleed. In the same vein, they don't want you to shave in case you nick yourself. You can't get manicures and pedicures and if you do your own nails, you can't cut your cuticles. If you garden or wash dishes, you have to wear gloves. Basically you just have to be super careful not to cut yourself or expose yourself to possible infections.

On the food front, I'm supposed to eat six small meals a day and of course drink as much water as possible to flush out the chemicals. If I get nausea, I've been prescribed a couple different medications...compazine and ativan.

On the day of chemo itself, I'm supposed to eat beforehand and I can bring snacks if I want, as long as they don't have a strong odor. My session should last about four hours. For entertainment, the chemo lounge has TVs, and I can bring my laptop. They have internet access so depending on how I feel I may be able to blog during treatment. We'll see!

They suggest not eating your favorite foods during chemo so as not to tie an unpleasant or nauseous experience to it and maybe ruining your love of that food, so tomorrow night is pizza night one last time! (At least for a while...)

The American Cancer Society has a program called "Look Good...Feel Better" that provides women going through cancer treatment beauty tips to help combat the side effects of chemo and radiation. You also get free makeup! *grin*

I went to one of their programs yesterday and it was definitely worthwhile. It was fun to visit with other cancer patients in a relaxing atmosphere (as opposed to the chemo room >.<) and the instructor gave some great tips and advice.

Each person gets their own kit of makeup and opening it up and going through it was like Christmas! ^_^ Each person's contents were different, but we all got the full compliment of makeup (cleanser, foundation, powder, blush, eyeliner, mascara, eyeshadow, lip liner, lipstick and lip gloss.) It's all different companies that have donated the makeup for this program. I got stuff from Clarion, Clinique, Bobbie Brown, Almay, Avon, Mary Kay, etc. Here's my loot! ;P



Also on the plus side, I received my first card yesterday from my Chemo Angel. If you haven't heard of this support organization, it's wonderful! It's a site that matches up chemo patients with volunteers. These volunteers will send cards and little gifts every week to their chemo patient for the duration of that person's treatment. As their website says, they want to help bring a ray of sunshine to cancer patients lives during this difficult time. I may be on the receiving end right now, but you'd better believe that when I'm done with my treatments I will be volunteering to be an Angel!

So who says having cancer is all bad? ^_~ Hey, you gotta look at the bright side as much as possible, right? This is an adventure I would never have chosen to go on, but since I'm on it and there's no turning back, I'm going to make sure there's some enjoyment in the trip!

Happy Halloween, everybody! ^_^

Here's a quick pic of my costume...it's not exactly how I want it - I need to get a black and gold striped skirt to go under the bustle skirt, and I need a less stiff white blouse, but I think it's still cute!



I don't have any plans for today, but I'll still dress up this evening in case of trick or treaters. :)

Well, it's three days post-op and I definitely feel better! The incisions ache, and I wake up stiff and sore because I can't roll over on my right side like normal, but for the most part, I'm feeling as normal as I can, considering. :)

Here's my new best friend, Portia...lol



At least, she'd better be my best friend! I won't find out until next week when they try and use the port whether it'll work or not. There have definitely been horror stories about ports not working properly and having to go back into surgery to get it fixed. >.< But Portia isn't gonna let me down! Right? Right??!!

It's good to be back at work and immersing myself in my normal routine. My office mate is out sick with the H1N1 flu, though, so it's just me in here. Today I get to design some Christmas card ideas, so that should be fun. ^_^ After work I have another acupuncture appointment. I may or may not continue with those...I'd like to, but a couple of the needles hurt on Thursday (and yes, I told him!) and I don't want to do anything where I have to dread needle pain, no matter how good for me it is! We'll see how today goes...

Well, my port is in!

Yesterday went okay...the things about it that were better than last time were:

1. My mom came with me and stayed until they took me to the operating room.
2. My nurse was not only nice, but experienced and did what she could to keep me from freaking out about the IV needle.
3. It was at 11:00 instead of 8:00, so I didn't have to get up at 5:30 in the morning.
4. Either they didn't stick a tube down my throat this time or they did something different because I had no sore throat or coughing fits like last time.

The things that were worse:

1. I was going in for a more involved procedure, which included leaving with something I didn't arrive with!
2. There was an old lady in a pre-op room across from me complaining about her port and how she hated it and everything went wrong with it. NOT WHAT I NEED TO HEAR AT THAT TIME!! *wry grin* My nurse went to ask the lady to please keep it down.
3. My anesthesiologist put in my IV and her bedside manner and technique sucked. I don't think she even had it in the vein (on the back of my hand) because in the surgery room when they were running the sleeping drugs into the IV, it BURNED like hell all over the back of my hand. I didn't feel a thing during the last surgery. >:(

I was pretty wiped out when I got home at 2:30. My surgeon was unable to get the catheter into the subclavical vein in my chest and had to run it up into my jugular. That freaks me out a little bit. And I just ache. Last night I took two Vicodin and thank goodness they worked. I got a pretty decent night's sleep.

I've been melancholy the past couple of days and haven't snapped out of it yet. This port is so tangible and REAL. Before it was so easy to ignore the cancer because I felt fine. Now I've got this medical thing in my chest I can't take out and it will drive me crazy if I continue to think about it.

Well, I'm off to try and distract myself - everyone have a great weekend!

Well, tomorrow is the big day to get my port installed! I'm kinda nervous only because I hate the idea of having something foreign in my body on a permanent basis. I'll have to keep it in until a few months after chemo ends, so at least eight months. I really feel like today is my last day of "being normal". :( Tomorrow at this time I will have a new scar and a bump in my chest that signals the beginning of the treatment phase.

In case you're curious, here's the port I'm having installed (a Smart Port)...


Then it's a two-week wait until chemo starts.

In the meantime, I have an acupuncture appointment this afternoon, and have scheduled to see my Reiki practitioner the week of my chemo. On the diet front, I have stayed away from all soda and coffee drinks, I have had only one Taco Bell bean burrito (on my trip up to Portland) and two pizzas and one tostada in the past month. I've significantly increased my fruit and vegetable intake and (except for the exceptions listed above) have had no processed food. My mom continues to make delicious and healthy dinners and I have lost 10 pounds in the last three months. I'm a size 10 again - whoo! :)

I'm staying pretty positive, but I have to admit it's pretty easy when I have no symptoms except swollen lymph nodes and itchy skin...I may be singing a different tune after I start chemo. >.< Still, I am being proactive and doing what I can ahead of time to hopefully minimize the chemo side effects.

I'm still spending a lot of time on the internet researching a million different things...I haven't done any art yet. I'm hoping once chemo starts I'll be able to relax a little bit and start painting again. Poor "Mardi Gras Masquerade", still undone! *wry grin*

I've been terribly remiss in posting any pics of my new wig! I got my wig a few weeks ago and haven't worn it yet, but today I went back to my stylist to have the bangs trimmed a little bit. I'm actually wearing it to work today and it feels very conspicuous, but my coworkers assure me it looks fabulous and totally real! :) Here's a quick snapshot...



I'll take better pics later on, but I just wanted to give y'all a peak!